How can you work on an airplane if you don't know the correct tool to

use for the job?

Trivia on Tools

DRILL  PRESS:  A  tall  upright  machine useful for suddenly snatching

flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the

chest  and flings your beer across the room,  splattering  it against that

freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE  WHEEL:  Cleans  paint  off  bolts and then throws them somewhere

under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes  fingerprint

whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to

say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC  HAND  DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal

your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,

they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your

hand.

OXYACETYLENE   TORCH:  Used  almost  entirely  for  lighting various

flammable  objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for  igniting  the

grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH  SOCKETS:  Once  used for working on older British cars   and

motorcycles,  they  are  now  used  mainly  for impersonating that 9/16

or 1/2 socket you've been s searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground

after  you  have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack

handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT  LONG  DOUGLAS  FIR  2X4:  Used  for  levering an automobile

upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood  splinters.

PHONE:  Tool  for  calling  your  neighbors to see if he has another

hydraulic  floor  jack.

SNAP-ON  GASKET  SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool  for

spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z  OUT  BOLT  AND  STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than  any

known  drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON  ENGINE  HOIST:  A  tool  for  testing  the  tensile strength on

everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN  1/2  x  16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably

has  an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the

handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See  hacksaw.

TROUBLE  LIGHT:  The  home  mechanic's  own  tanning  booth. Sometimes

called  a  drop  light,  it  is  a good source of vitamin  D,  "the

sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found  under cars at night.

Health benefits aside, it's main purpose  is to consume 40-watt light bulbs

at about the same rate  that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,

say, the  first  few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than

light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:  Normally  used  to  stab the lids of old-style

paper-and-tin  oil  cans  and  splash oil on your shirt;  but  can also be

used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR  COMPRESSOR:  A  machine that takes energy produced in a

coal-burning  power  plant 200 miles away and transforms it into

compressed  air  that  travels  by  hose  to a Chicago Pneumatic  impact

wrench  that  grips rusty bolts last overtightened 58 years ago 

by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY  BAR:  A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip  or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER:  Originally  employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays

is  used  as  a kind of divining rod to locate the most  expensive  parts

not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S  KNIFE:  Used  to  open  and  slice  through  the contents

of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works  particularly

well  on  contents such as seats, vinyl records,  liquids  in  plastic

bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT  TOOL:  Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the  garage

while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool

that you will need.

EXPLETIVE:  A  balm,  usually applied verbally in hindsight, which

somehow  eases  those pains and indignities following our every deficiency

in foresight